The right things to say ― and not say ― to the bereaved
BY Joan E. Markwell
DAILY NEWS CONTRIBUTOR
Friday, July 21, 2017, 2:00 PM
It’s easy to say the wrong thing to a person grieving the loss of a loved one. The best advice: be sensitive, sympathetic and sincere.
It’s easy to say the wrong thing to a person grieving the loss of a loved one. The best advice: be sensitive, sympathetic and sincere. (RichLegg/Getty Images)
"I can't believe you just said that to me!"
Yes, so many times the bereaved walk away with that very thought flashing across their mind. That is because well-meaning people who have every intention of offering words of sympathy to those who are grieving, manage to do just the opposite.
They do so because they simply do not know the right thing to say so the wrong words fly out of their mouths. These same people will slide on by those grieving because they feel uncomfortable in their presence for the same reason.
Oh, but there are plenty of appropriate ways to express support t hat can be so helpful to the bereaved. Because people are creatures of habit, they continue to say and do the same old things they have heard time and again.
There is a need to move past these sayings and even forget the majority of them. If you never utter another grieving cliché again, you would be doing us (the bereaved) a great service.
Phrases such as "you're doing great," "time heals all wounds," "everything happens for a reason," "be glad you have other children," "your child wouldn't want you to feel this way," "you are so strong," "God had a plan," "God will never give you more than you can handle" and on and on and on. There are too many to share.
People utter one of these phrases and walk away feeling better. They have patted us on the shoulder and said something nice for them, not us. They feel better because they have done their job by offering words of condolence, whereas we may feel no comfort at all. We may even think, "I can't believe you just said that to me."
However, there is a solution to this conflicting situation. We, the bereaved, so want you to help us in our grief. In fact, we need your comfort and support. There is a resolution and it is simple. Before approaching, take any of the above statements and turn them into something personal and positive for the grieving.
For example, don't tell us "time heals all wounds," because we can't see a future without our loved one. You could turn this around and say, "I know healing will be a long process for you; I will be here for you."
This justifies our feelings and does not make us feel guilty for not being able to move on; and it's encouraging to hear the supporter is in for the long haul. This also makes your words seem more personal.
Another example: "Be glad you have other children." When people say this, our thought is which child would you want us to give up or would you give up? A better comment would be: "I know your other children will help provide comfort for you as your family tries to work through your loss." Try to keep the family reminded of the love and support by which they are surrounded.
Here's one commonly used: "You're so strong." Ah, the bereaved are great foolers. That's because they wear an invisible mask that requires adjustment every day so that they look strong to the outside world even though on the inside they are crumbling.
